When a coworker loses someone they love, most of us want to help and almost all of us worry about getting it wrong. Work adds its own awkwardness: you may not know the person well, you see them in meetings rather than at home, and there are deadlines that don't pause for grief.
The good news is that supporting a grieving colleague rarely asks for special words or a big gesture. Bereavement organizations that advise workplaces keep returning to the same few things: acknowledge the loss, let the person lead, offer help that is concrete, and keep remembering after everyone else has moved on. Here is what that can look like day to day.
When you first hear the news
Say something simple, and say it soon. Cruse Bereavement Support notes that most people appreciate hearing that you are sorry, and that it is more common for bereaved people to be hurt because no one mentioned what happened. "I'm so sorry about your mom" is enough.
If your colleague is already on leave, a short message or a card can reach them at home. You might also check whether your team is sending one together. Either way, be careful with details: share only what your colleague has chosen to share, and avoid asking questions about how the person died.
Words that tend to help, and a few to skip
Short, honest lines usually land better than polished ones. A few original examples:
- "I heard about your dad. I'm really sorry."
- "I don't know what to say, but I'm glad you're here."
- "No need to reply. I'm thinking of you."
- "If you ever want to talk about her, I'd love to hear about her. No pressure if not."
The Irish Hospice Foundation's workplace guide suggests steering clear of phrases that minimize the loss, such as "he had a good innings" or "it's a happy release," because you can't know what the loss means to them. A hospital staff bereavement guide from University Hospitals Birmingham adds another: try not to say you know how they feel, even if you've been through something similar.
Offer help that is specific
"Let me know if you need anything" is kind, but it hands the grieving person a job: figuring out what to ask for. A specific offer is easier to accept. VITAL WorkLife, an employee assistance provider, gives examples like covering a shift or taking a client call this week.
At work, that might mean:
- Taking one recurring task for the next couple of weeks, with a clear end date so it doesn't feel like their work is being taken away.
- Offering to summarize a meeting they missed, or to sit in on one for them.
- Handling the team logistics, such as collecting card messages, so no one keeps asking them questions.
- Asking, "Would it help if I let people know before you're back, or would you rather tell them yourself?"
Check with your manager before taking on someone else's work, and ask your colleague first. Some people find that routine tasks feel steadying.
Let them set the pace at work
Some people want to talk about the person who died; many would rather work quietly. The guides above agree on taking your lead from them. The Irish Hospice Foundation also cautions against making a fuss: most bereaved people want to be treated as normally as possible at work and not stand out.
It helps to know that grief can affect concentration and energy, as both Cruse and the Irish Hospice Foundation note, and that good days can be followed by hard ones. If your colleague seems distracted, forgets something or steps out for a few minutes, a little patience and a quiet "Take your time" goes a long way. If they turn down your help, try not to take it personally; the University Hospitals Birmingham guide suggests respecting that and staying available in case they change their mind.
Remote and hybrid colleagues are easy to miss. Without a hallway moment, a direct message or a short call takes the place of stopping by their desk.
Keep remembering after the first weeks
Support often pours in at first and then fades, and work can be one of the first places a bereaved person feels their grief has been forgotten. Cruse suggests remembering the times that may be hard, such as birthdays, holidays and Christmas, and simply saying something to show you remember.
Example (fictional): A teammate puts a private note in her calendar for her colleague's late husband's birthday. On the day, she sends a two-line message: "Thinking of you and Sam today. No need to reply." That's all.
A coffee invitation that keeps coming, with no pressure to say yes, can mean a lot too.
If your team wants to send something together
A card signed by the team is a simple, familiar gesture. Our guide on what to write in a sympathy card has ideas if you're stuck on words. Some teams also pool for a keepsake rather than flowers. If that suits your group, something that can carry the person's name, such as a Tree of Life memorial wind chime with a name, date or short message on the front, is one option. A card alone is plenty, too.
If you manage the team, Cruse suggests looking at your organization's bereavement policy, and pointing your colleague toward it if that's appropriate, so they know what leave and flexibility exist.
Look after yourself too
Being close to someone else's grief can stir up your own losses. The University Hospitals Birmingham guide notes that supporting a bereaved colleague can be emotional for the whole team and suggests asking HR or occupational health for support if you need it. If your workplace has an employee assistance program, it may offer confidential support for you as well. And if you're ever worried that a colleague may be in crisis, in the U.S. you can call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
You don't have to find perfect words. Showing up, imperfectly and more than once, is what most people remember.