The first Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa or New Year after someone dies can feel very different from any season before it. Everything around you seems to assume everyone is celebrating, while you may be wondering how to get through one dinner. This guide gathers practical, gentle ideas that hospice and bereavement organizations share, so you can choose what fits this year and leave the rest.
The lead-up can be harder than the day
Bereavement groups such as VITAS Healthcare and the American Hospice Foundation both note that, for many people, waiting for a holiday feels worse than the holiday itself. Strong feelings in the weeks before aren't a setback. They're a common part of grief. Knowing that can make the anxious days a little less frightening.
Make a small plan, including what you don't want
A plan can simply be a few decisions made in a calm moment, so you aren't deciding everything on the day. If it's hard to know what you want, the American Hospice Foundation suggests starting with what you don't want to do. You might ask yourself:
- Cards: send as usual, send a shorter list, or skip them this year?
- Decorating: the usual, a lighter version, help from someone else, or none at all?
- Gifts: shop online, give something simple, or agree to exchange gifts later?
- Gatherings: which ones feel possible, and which ones can wait?
Some families each jot down their own answers, then compare notes over coffee. People in the same household often grieve differently. And if a plan stops working, it's fine to change it.
Keep, change, or pause traditions
There's no single right choice here. Some people take comfort in doing things exactly as before, because the tradition itself keeps their person close. Others find the old routine too painful right now and would rather start fresh. A few in-between options:
- Ask someone else to carve the turkey, host the meal, or lead the blessing, and mention it beforehand so nobody is surprised.
- Move the gathering to a different home, a restaurant, or a simpler meal.
- Keep one tradition that matters most and let the rest go for this year.
- Try something new, like a walk after dinner.
Small ways to include them
Many families find it helps to set aside a moment for the person who isn't there, rather than trying not to mention them. Hospice teams often suggest ideas like these. Pick one, or none:
- Light a candle at the table or by a favorite photo.
- Cook their signature dish, or the one they always asked for.
- Pause for a short toast or a moment of quiet before the meal.
- Set out a small table where guests can add photos, keepsakes, or a written memory.
- Play their favorite music, or the card game they always won.
- Hang an ornament or place a decoration that's just for them.
- Make a donation, volunteer, or invite someone who would otherwise be alone, in their name.
Children can join in too, for example by drawing a picture or writing a note for a memory box.
Tell people what helps
Friends and relatives often want to help but don't know how, and some avoid saying your loved one's name because they're afraid of upsetting you. It's okay to be direct. A short message such as "This year will be hard. I'd love it if you shared a story about Dad," or "I may leave early, and that's okay," can take the guesswork out for everyone.
It's also fine to say no to an invitation, or to say "maybe" and decide on the day. Still, try not to cut yourself off completely. A balance of quiet time and some company usually feels better than all of one or the other.
Be gentle with yourself
- Lower the bar. Store-bought pie is still pie.
- Accept offers to cook, shop, wrap, or drive.
- Rest when you can, and get outside for a short walk if that usually helps.
- Go easy on alcohol. VITAS specifically cautions against using it to manage your mood.
- Write things down, if writing helps you.
- Let laughter happen. Enjoying a moment doesn't mean you've forgotten them.
If the season feels overwhelming, you don't have to manage it alone. Many hospices offer bereavement support groups, some hold holiday remembrance events, and a grief counselor or your doctor can help too. If you're in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the U.S.
A lasting place to remember, if you'd like one
Some families like having one steady place of remembrance through the holidays and beyond, such as a photo shelf, a corner of the garden, or a piece with their name on it. If that appeals to you, the Cardinal Memorial sign can be personalized with a name and dates. It comes as a hanging version for indoors or a staked version for a garden or cemetery. There's no need to decide anything this season. For ideas for later in the year, our guide on ways to mark the first anniversary of a loss may help.
However this season goes
There's no right way to spend the first holidays after a loss. Some families gather, some keep things very small, and some do a little of both. Whatever you choose, it's enough. We hope one or two of these ideas make the weeks ahead feel a little more manageable.