No One Prepares You for This
Losing a child is unimaginable, yet for thousands of parents every year, it becomes a reality. We grow up hearing that grief follows a pattern—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But nothing about losing a child follows a predictable path (Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2014).
Most of us had assumptions about grief before we had to experience it firsthand. And yet, the reality is vastly different.
1. Time Does Not Heal—It Just Shifts the Pain
"It gets better with time."
People say this as if grief is a wound that scabs over and fades. But grief, especially the loss of a child, is not something you "just get over." The pain doesn’t disappear—it moves. Some days, the weight is hard to bear. Other days, it’s a quiet chill.
According to a study published in the Journal of Death Studies, bereaved parents experience persistent grief that does not necessarily follow a timeline but instead fluctuates over the years (Arnold & Gemma, 2008).
What we wish we knew:
Healing isn’t about forgetting—it’s about learning to carry the love forward.
2. People Will Say the Wrong Thing (and It Will Hurt)
"At least they’re in a better place."
"You can always have another child."
"Everything happens for a reason."
Even well-meaning people will say things that make the pain worse. Not because they don’t care, but because our society doesn’t know how to talk about grief. The loss of a child is so uncomfortable that people grasp at clichés, hoping to offer comfort but instead leaving wounds.
Researchers from the American Psychological Association (APA) highlight that bereaved parents often feel alone because of how people react to their grief (Rosenblatt, 2000).
What we wish we knew:
It’s okay to establish boundaries and protect yourself from words that don’t help in your healing process.
3. Small Reminders Will Bring the Largest Waves of Grief
A pair of sneakers by the door. Their favorite song on the radio. A birthday that now feels empty.
Grief doesn’t just come on holidays or anniversaries. It sneaks in through unexpected moments—ordinary things that now feel strange because they remind you of what you are missing.
Studies from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) show that triggers can unexpectedly bring on grief, and these memories can be just as strong years later (NCTSN, 2018).
What we wish we knew:
Grief isn’t just about sadness; it’s the feeling of love with nowhere to go.
4. Creating a Memorial Can Bring Relief
One of the most aching parts of loss is the feeling that time is tearing your child further away. That’s why rituals and memorials make a difference. Whether it’s a tranquil space in your home, a memorial garden, or a personalized keepsake, creating a way to honor their memory helps keep their spirit alive (Neimeyer, 2012).
A study from the International Journal of Palliative Nursing found that bereaved parents who engaged in memory-making activities—such as planting a tree, making a photo book, or wearing memorial jewelry—felt a stronger sense of connection with their child who is gone (Foster et al., 2011).
What we wish we knew:
Memorials aren’t about clinging to the past; they’re about creating a way to keep love present.
5. There Is No “Right” Way to Grieve
Some parents find comfort in talking about their child every day. Some struggle to say their name without breaking down. Some turn to faith, while others struggle with doubt. There is no easy road for this kind of loss.
Grief researchers like Dr. William Worden suggest that grief is not about stages but rather about teaching yourself to adjust and integrate loss into life (Worden, 2009).
What we wish we knew:
Whatever you feel, however you grieve your loss—it’s a valid emotion.
Final Thoughts: A Message to Grieving Parents
If you’ve lost a child, know this: You are not alone.
The pain may never fully leave you, but neither will the love for your child. And that love deserves a place to exist, whether through stories, memories, or the smallest ways we keep them with us.
If you need a way to honor your child’s memory, consider:
✔ Creating a dedicated space in your home
✔ Planting a memorial garden
✔ Wearing a keepsake that carries their name
Healing is accepting, not forgetting—it’s learning to live while carrying them with you always.
What helped you through your grief? Share your thoughts or experiences in the comments below. Your story may help others who are walking this difficult path.
References
- Arnold, J. H., & Gemma, P. B. (2008). A Child Dies: A Portrait of Family Grief. Baywood Publishing.
- Foster, T. L., et al. (2011). The Experience of Siblings of Children With Cancer. International Journal of Palliative Nursing.
- Kubler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2014). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. Scribner.
- Neimeyer, R. A. (2012). Techniques of Grief Therapy: Creative Practices for Counseling the Bereaved. Routledge.
- NCTSN. (2018). Childhood Traumatic Grief Educational Materials. National Child Traumatic Stress Network.
- Rosenblatt, P. C. (2000). Parent Grief: Narratives of Loss and Relationship. Brunner/Mazel.
- Worden, J. W. (2009). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner. Springer Publishing.